The last few months have seemed to be but a blur. I started off with such good intentions. Thinking a daily devotional would be the way to keep myself motivated during this illness. But it caught me and has just barely let me go some 2 or so months from the last post. I find myself content, or maybe not content, but stuck amid the fog of Bipolar life. I haven’t really written or even thought about putting my fingers to the keyboard. Now I do admit that there are times I think about it, but my self-doubt gets in the way. Just as it is right now. Who in the heck would want to read about my struggles?

Sometimes the light comes on and the Lord eases my mind for a bit, gives me peace in my soul, but that is only when I allow him to do such. Most times it’s just as easy to get through the day as mundanely as possible. This struggle is real. If anyone out there has ever struggled with a day of mental illness you know for yourself the struggle is real. I don’t say this to imply that life will always be that way. Some know what their triggers are, those things that can bring on an episode of the disease to the forefront. Mine are not always that easy. I know if I don’t get enough sleep this causes me problems, but sometimes its hard to put an exact thumb on the cause. I got a really good job, I loved it, I was working in a campground store making reservations and selling things. Talking with people which used to bring on a good part of my disease, the manic. I could do so many multiple things at once it astounded people. They thought this was my natural ability, well I guess in a way it was. I hate this. I have to say it. I used to love to be around people, now I dread it. To the core of my being. I know that I will feel better if I get out of these pjs and put some big girl cloths on and get out there that things will be better. But it is the part between getting my pjs off and putting on my big girl panties that I get stuck most of the time. My self-doubt comes back into play, I remember the panic I sometimes have when I am around a group of people, and it makes it very hard to put one foot in front of the other. Even when I can do the moving forward, there always seems to be some excuse that I can come across to limit the movement. Well I need to step out of my comfort zone and put something down on paper and onto the blog. Here we go, even if its not an answer to the problem it is a step in the right direction.