June 2018

The day starts, and as usual the air spins around my head.  I watch the specks circle and climb, spinning ever upward. My mind spins as fast as the flecks, seeking a way out, further and further up into the sky. A never-ending twist of fate.

My life started without much ado. Some pain and screams, moans and groans. Some disappointment, deformity and exhaustion. A much-wanted girl for my mother, however shocking that my nose was pushed to the side of my face. As if life knew it would never be big enough for me, just as the womb was insufficient. My father not so sure what to do with a girl child. Having been raised with a brother and the only female influence was not so much feminine, but someone hardened.

The life that I have known up to this point has been a never-ending twist of fate. Eyes open and the whirlwind begins. Ever spinning around my head, specks circle and climb, spinning ever upward. This is my mind, fast spinning flecks, seeking a way out, lifting ever upwards into the sky. Lifting my hands, I reach, trying desperately to touch fresh air, air that has not been polluted with the specks of life. My finger tips almost brush that air, but my tippy toes wear out and they flatten into the floor, along with my heels. My arms drop, and hope falls. Closing my eyes my breath catches and releases. Defeat, again.

Why is it that I always want what I cannot have? Why can’t I be happy with what is in front of me? Instead of seeing the beauty of the whirlwind, I see the limitations of the space around me, ever reaching for that thing beyond my grasp. I stretch and use all my energy to escape, instead of putting that momentum into what surrounds me. I must ask myself is it worth the effort?

I’m not talking about surviving the whirlwind, I’m talking about surviving the desire to adjust my existence. Would it be easier to stand and rally in the twister? Maybe life is meant to be lived in the circumstance rather then to transform it. What would happen? These are questions which I do not see an answer. Perhaps if I were to do the unspeakable and just live, whatever comes, live in the moment, then maybe I could start to come close to those answers. These are the thoughts that flood my mind. Never any quiet, just constant thoughts flying around my brain, the whirlwind of my inner being.

Life as an individual with a mood disorder is hard to comprehend for someone who, for a lack of better words, is normal. Yes, you can read any number of books, do research, read scholarly articles, but unless you live it, you can never truly understand it. What I described at the beginning of this writing, defines the battle inside my mind every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It never stops and when it is bad it even invades my time to sleep. Yes, it slows down at times, mainly when medication is on board, but it never stops.  To give into the whirlwind, to just be, is scary. What if I never return? When I stop reaching for the fresh air of life, I become completely enveloped. I can’t think straight, I lose my balance, my equilibrium of normalcy disappears, I lose all concept of existence. My auto pilot takes over and my life is not my own.

Remember as a child how you used to spin and spin in one spot, until you could spin no more? You either got off balanced or fell, this is my life inside my head since as far back as I can remember. It gets so overwhelming at times, that it seems as if there were one more speck added to the whirlwind, it would explode taking me with it. This is when I contemplate putting an end to it. I explore the best way to do this. Sometimes when it gets to this point I seek out help. That is if I can utter even the tiniest of sound, a moan or a whisper, “help”. If someone hears me and reaches out, my whirlwind can be reined back in, the last speck does not make it inside, I exist at least for the moment.

I have been fortunate in this area. I have never uttered the word without a response from someone, even if it feels like eternity before it comes. Unfortunately for others, the rescue does not come. And a whirl wind dies. This I fear the most, especially when my personal whirlwind becomes unmanageable.  Will there be a time when I utter the smallest of sounds, and it is lost in the atmosphere, never to return with the help I need? I pray not. I pray that I will continue to be fortunate, no matter how messy my world is inside. I pray that I do not take the hard way out. Yes, it is the hard way. No one ever truly wants to end the whirl wind, but it just becomes so overwhelming that they feel they cannot coexist with it for another second. When that happens, it is the hardest decision of the persons life to let the whirlwind and their life go.

What can we do to stop this, on my part I need to speak clearly and loudly, above the noise of the twister. How can you help? Listen, pay attention to those around you, do not expect someone else to take care of the issue. Do not think it is none of your business. It is all our business. Do not be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, ask the question, “What can I do to help?” Tell them you are worried about them. Take them to get help, even if it seems as if they are fighting you. They are fighting the whirlwind, not you. Do not be afraid to lose their friendship, their love, their trust, but be afraid to lose them, forever. Please, from someone who comes from within the whirlwind of mental health disorders, we do not normally see when we have reached the point of no return. Help us to exist, even if you do not understand it.